Because I Hate Myself - Nude Nuns with Big Guns

In the collecting world, it doesn’t take very long to learn about knock-offs…these being items that LOOK like an official item but more often than not are made from the same quality materials or in some instances (such as with Transformers) there have been tweaks in the engineering or size of the item, but 95% of it is identical to the product it’s copying.

Now, there’s a good side to knock-offs…giving a collector an opportunity to get an older item instead of having to pay secondary market prices. Even more so if the item(s) are going to be a display piece and never/rarely handled. Of course, obviously, the downside is given the poor quality materials…well, they’re crap.

I promise this lead-in will make sense once we get into the review proper. But first, let’s take a crack at a synopsis for Nude Nuns with Big Guns:

Left for dead after a drug deal gone bad, a single nun from a twisted order of drug running priests and nuns plots her revenge not only against her fellow clergy, but the brutal gang in charge of the operation. ‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned...’ takes on a whole new meaning as the body count rises.

The first thing you’re going to notice within the first five minutes of the film is that director Joseph Guzman is trying really, REALLY hard to be Robert Rodriguez. This is present in the music, the shot composition, the lens filters and cinematography and the not-so-subtle rip offs from Rodriguez’s films. The example that comes most readily to mind are the strip joints in this film and From Dusk Til Dawn: in the vampire flick, we have the Titty Twister whereas in this film, we have the Titty Flicker. There are others, to be sure, but I don’t want to subject myself to the film again to find them. [Spoiler alert as to how this review is going to go. – Ed.] See why I led with the conversation about knock-offs? We have our first instance here: the director is essentially a knock-off Robert Rodriguez, trying to do the same thing but the quality of the product ends up being just…bad.

You could also levy the charge that this film is knock-off Nunsploitation as well. There’s a long, ahem ‘proud?’ tradition of Nunsploitation films stretching back into the 1970s, when they were in their heyday thanks to the various grindhouse theaters throughout the world (but of course most notably on 42nd street in New York City). Three of the gold standards of this genre are nudity, lesbianism and at least some form of torture, whether it’s self-flagellation or having the film set during the days of the Spanish Inquisition. Let’s tick these off one by one.

Nudity: Yup, there’s plenty of it here. Heck, in the opening of the film you do indeed see the nude nuns alluded to in the title…but no guns here. Instead, they’re handling the drugs that will be part of the opening shootout that launches Sister Sarah’s bloody trail of revenge. From there, you certainly never have to wait for very long to see boobs at any point in this film. The thing is though…well, I think a quote from the late legend George Carlin sums it up best, “I never fucked a 10, but I did fuck five 2s…and I think that oughtta count for something.” So yes, there’s a high breast count here, but most of them…well…aren’t very good. Both the volume and the quality present in the movie end up having a desensitizing effect…and let’s face it, when you’ve made boobs unappealing? You failed at exploitation filmmaking. Big time.

Lesbianism: I mean, yes it’s here. Sister Sarah has the hots for her fellow nun Sister Angelina but, and I know this sounds mean, but I would have been okay if the latter sister remained frocked throughout the film. Additionally, Sister Sarah uses her wiles on another woman, Butch, toward the end of the film, but to tie in with the last paragraph, by this point, the viewer is so desensitized to any kind of nudity or sex that it’s ultimately a waste of time. Now this film has making girl/girl action unappealing on its list of crimes and that’s just wrong. It brings shame to Mr. Guzman’s dojo for generations to come. Dude needs to retake all of this exploitation film course work.

Torture: In the strictest sense of Nunsploitation, it’s kinda absent. That being said, torture is present…for the viewer. First of all, the biker gang in this, ‘Los Muertos’, are EXTREMELY rape-y. Look, some of the rape-y-ness is needed, after all, an episode of this very act does set Sister Sarah on her path of vengeance…but holy shit. Like damn near every woman that’s not a stripper in this film gets raped by at least one member of the gang…especially Kickstand. A line was crossed at the rape of an elderly nun in order to break her vow of silence. The stress or trauma of such an event would probably not break the woman into speaking but instead drive her further within herself, making damn sure she may never speak again! Look, I’m grateful that the film opts not to show anything when it comes to this act…in terms of skin…well, aside from Kickstand’s ass…but even the simulation is too much. Lastly, to grind an old axe, while we see plenty of bloodshed here, and there are occasional practical effects, a large number of the bullet wounds and headshots are purely digital…and I’m sorry, I have much beef with digital gore effects. If there’s one thing a low budget movie is supposed to do and do with gusto, it’s gore effects and if you’re doing them via Photoshop? Not only do we have to take away your Exploitation Filmmaker license, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to retest before we give it back to you. Now, there is one exception…and I’m not going to say it saves the film at all…but when Chavo, the leader of ‘Los Muertos’, gets his dick blown off then reaches over to hold it up just before getting digitally shot in the head…that’s the kind of thing we needed to see more of.

By its title alone, Nude Nuns with Big Guns makes so many promises. Hell, just from that, B-movie and Exploitation film aficionados should be perking up like so many meerkats in the Serengeti! But no. We get a nun with small to moderate weaponry (at best) and Nunsploitation of such a low quality that it can be labelled as nothing less than a knock-off. Top it off with such poor components that lead to desensitization and, well, by the time you see the end credits…if you make it that far…[Again, we’re really sorry Kelli. Although, this does serve as payback for Zombie Tidal Wave and Llamageddon. – Ed.]…the only real sentiment you’re going to have toward the film is the failed execution of what really should have been such an easy premise to fulfill. Just by the sheer fact alone that it made lesbianism unappealing warrants an Angry Cat rating. Everything else only damns it further. I hate giving bad reviews, but it almost feels like this movie was trying for one. Congrats…I guess.