Marvel Monday - Madame Web

No, just like Morbius before it, Madame Web is not the cinematic abortion that reviewers have made it out to be.

But, just like Morbius, it is by no means a good movie. At all. Let me see if I can cobble together a synopsis:

NYFD ambulance driver Cassandra Web is having flashes of the future…a future that she can change…but she’s not the only one. So too can Ezekiel Sims, as he uses his own extraordinary powers to track down three teenager girls…girls who will develop powers of their own…that are destined to kill him. A series of seemingly coincidental events plunges Cassie into a tangled web that connects her to not only all of these events, but also the long-past murder of her mother in the Amazon. Can Cassie pull these strands together to solve her mother’s murder and end Ezekiel’s threat?

That was harder than I thought…partially because there’s a lot happening in this movie, but, as a lot of reviews have pointed out, none of them are done particularly well. Some of this I get…I mean, a LOT of this movie happens by “coincidence”, but it kinda has to: seemingly disparate story strands end up forming a narrative web. In the hands of a good writer or writers, that can be a really exciting kind of story that can be tied together in a singular ‘aha!’ moment that can wow audiences. Since we’re dealing with, you guessed it, the same writing team that brought us Morbius, well…the screenplay isn’t exactly going to hit the hypotheticals I just laid out. This ends up making story beats feel like either Deus Ex Machina or, at its worst moments, utterly contrived. The worst aspect of this is a storyline that definitely feels shoehorned in…the first-responder career of one Ben Parker. Yeah, good ol’ Uncle Ben. Played this time by Adam Scott, the portrayal actually isn’t bad…it just shouldn’t be in this film. Him being there, just on its own, might have been okay: the audience ends up getting a recognizable name, Spider-Man fans get their cookie (so to speak) and a connection is made. Done. But nope, we’re finding out that he’s met someone special, his brother, Richard is out of the country for work…leaving a very pregnant Mary Parker behind. Any guesses as to who is born by the end of the film? Ugh. Every time this character is on screen is literally the worst kind of fan service. It’s not just a wink to the audience, as a mere cameo would be, but by inserting Ben into this mess we get the kind of wink that Chief Inspector Dreyfus would develop in dealing with Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies. The sheer heavy-handedness of this insert, even if the writing were serviceable (which…well…not so much) ends up displaying a lack of confidence in not only the story being told, but the characters that are involved.

That ends up bringing us to the elephant in the room. Vital to a story are the characters. They have to pull the audience in…get them interested in the events and, if they manage to be well acted and well written, perhaps even emotionally invested in both story and those impacted by it. We’ve already talked about the shortcomings of the writing, but could it be somehow saved by the cast? No. Not even remotely. I think Hook in the 1986 animated Transformers: The Movie said it best when Soundwave proposed taking over leadership of the Decepticons: “No one would follow an uncharismatic bore like you!” And I assure you, Dakota Johnson is very uncharismatic. I mean, I get it, comic book movies really are cinematic junk food…and I love me some junk food…but there’s never really anything here that demands a complex portrayal from an actor or actress. Yet you still get acting greats in these roles that at the very least put forth some effort to make it look like they’re phoning it in. But Johnson is almost sleepwalking through her scenes and as such makes it even more difficult for the viewer to have any kind of interest in the proceedings. I mean, if the actress isn’t interested in what’s going on, why the hell should I be? This, coupled with the poor writing, does even further damage to the main character here: Cassie is utterly unlikable. We’re supposed to see her character arc go from a loner that shuns anything to do with people to someone that not only forms a family of her own but now also wants to go out in the world to help people. [Okay, so this isn’t entirely true, she is a paramedic after all. – Ed.] That should see audiences shifting their perception of Cassie…right? She starts off unlikable but by the time the end credits roll, we should all be like “Yeah, right on girl.” But no. You just feel…nothing…and that, when it comes to any kind of art (and movies are one form) is just about the biggest crime you can commit – a “meh”. The three “teens” Cassie is trying to protect don’t fare any better. Hell, perhaps worse. Celeste O’Connor’s Mattie Franklin never relents from being annoying, even in her first appearance on screen. [Seriously, who does flip off an ambulance? – Ed.] Isabella Merced’s Anya Corazon is practically a non-entity. Really, as I write this, I’m having the damnedest time remembering what, if anything, she did in the film. Then there’s Sydney Sweeny’s Julia…who is really doing the best she possibly can to hide the fact that she’s in her upper 20s and as some of the best boobs in Hollywood working today: baggy clothes, slouching posture and big ol’ eyeglasses. All in an effort to get you to buy in that she’s playing a teenager. Mind you, if she uses this performance as a demo reel to get cast as Supergirl? Give her the role because this right here is some Clark Kent level of performance. And maybe that’s the saddest thing: the best performance in this entire movie is someone that’s known as an attractive, big chested rising star is doing her utmost to hide all of that.

Sure, I could go on. I could talk about why the writers thought it was a good idea for Cassie to ditch everyone in the middle of the movie to go down to Peru and learn more about her mother…and mind you, by this point, Ezekiel is actively hunting for the girls. I could talk about all the shameless product placement. I could go on about the fact that for taking place in 2005…nearly 10 years ago…there’s technology here that we barely have now. But to brutally honest…and I can’t believe I’m typing this given that I’ve done reviews for dreck like Llamageddon…this movie isn’t worth the effort. It’s a blatant cash-grab by Sony, flouting the Spider-Man characters they still have the licenses to in order to get their hand into that sweet, sweet Marvel money. And that’s just it…even Marvel isn’t making that sweet, sweet Marvel money anymore. With as resounding a “meh” as this film is, you’d think that would earn it our Plain Cat rating…but somehow, you almost feel like that’s what the film was going for. For that crime, that’s gonna knock it down to an Angry Cat rating. Every single aspect of this movie could have been better with just a modicum of effort or of care. Yet I can’t help but feel this was treated as a long rehearsal with everyone, cast and crew, saying “I’m not giving you everything now, but I will on the day.” It was the day…and no one brought a damn thing. Maybe that’s the blessing and curse of Madame Web, it’s blander than plain rice…but at least you won’t remember it for very long.